I gotta say this: I’d be so nervous if I ever had the chance to have sex with this woman. I say woman because she’s 27 and that’s about a lifetime older than most of the juniors (18-21) we have on here. But Esther? You could just tell that this girl has been through A LOT. I mean with all the tattoo’s, photoshoots, B movies (her real name is Esther Hanuka), and whatever the fuck else she’s into, it’s been a long winding road. You can bet that road involved a shitload of kink and nother boatload of terminology and positions that I’ve never even heard of. So yes, Esther, I just want you to know I’d be extremely nervous if you got naked in front of me. I’d be a little schoolboy. That said I enjoy your profile and I’m jealous of your thousand tattoos, never nervous to use oils and chains boyfriend.

That arm says it all folks. I mean you know there’s an obvious giant breasted, sick bodied girl to go along with this cute face right? Because if you didn’t then one of two things is possible. A. You’re retarded. B. You’ve never seen this site before. I’ll add this caveat. If you haven’t seen this site then you are in fact retarded.

The skunked hair. Long legs. Amazing ta’s. I really couldn’t ask for more in a fantasy girl. One that is on mute the entire time. One where I don’t have a real life with. One that is basically sex all the time before it wears off after 6 months.

I wonder what kind of mental capacity it takes to get not one but two red stars tattooed near the vagina. Imagine what it takes for that. Seriously. Think about that for a minute. I’m truly infatuated with this woman.

Sure she looks kind of tired and even “used” in this picture but so the fuck what. She has plenty of miles left. Plenty.

This is her guy by the way. I can’t comment on this. It’s too sad and it’s too sobering in terms of where our country is headed.

Nuff said.

More Pictures:

I know this goes against the grain somewhat. On occasion I’ll post women who are clearly well known. And I feel bad about it because I’m not “introducing” them to the world. Here however, we have a case where I want someone to track down this girl and send whatever nude photos you can find of her to me promptly. On her myspace profile I keep seeing signs pointing to Playboy. Valerie’s been to the mansion and she seems to model, but I just can’t find her anywhere or anything pointing to her last name. In any event, it’s kind of obvious as to why I posted her. It’s because it looks like we’d have very serious and down to earth conversations.

Valerieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Cum on me! Valerieeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Vagina with me! Valerieeeeeeeeeeee! Blow oh me! Valierieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I’m the same slut I used to be. Those of you unfamiliar with SteveWinwood must not realize that he is the greatest songwriter of all time.

Favorite part of this picture (other than knowing she’s kind of schweaty): Her pinkie fingers. Both of them are kind of just chilling on their own. It’s kind of sexy right? Yeah well I think it is.

This is where the pictures get kind of absurd. Camera one. Camera two. Camera one. Camera two. Funbag one. Funbag two. I’m having fun, how about you???!!?!!?!

This is the first picture where you can see she has an eyebrow ring. Now I can’t say I’m a fan of that. I also can’t say that if she asked me to pierce 5 eyebrow rings in each of my eyebrows that I wouldn’t do it if she allowed me to play with her high heeled shoes for 12 minutes. I mean her tits, yeah.

The password is: left nipple. Is that a wedding band I see? Would love to participate in a little Cuckold action.

What a perfect good bye picture. Tushy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You see, I think she put this up just to be cute in her profile: “i look WAY TOO GOOD to be fucking you ;)” However, it doesn’t change the fact that she did in fact write this so that gives me the right to say whatever I wish. Where do I start? She kind of reminds me of what I’d like Rachel Leigh Cook to look like. A little taller, tighter body and firmer breasts. Of course our girl Samantha here is only 17 (from NY so I can post this) so I’d imagine once she gets through college, 4 years of jizz, ramen, pizza, and late night nude slumber parties will have her gain a few lbs. God I hope I don’t have to watch her on Biggest Loser someday. Actually I kind of do.

Could that remind you of Spring Break any more? Is it even possible? Just thinking about that picture makes me realize how exciting tits are. Forgive me Sam, but all I’d be doing is thinking about slabbering all over those bags. And to be honest, I’m not even sure how much I’d care about doing it but telling the story would be a glorious event.

I think I like the girl on the right a little better but whatever. I’d take either in a heartbeat. But seriously folks? What are these girls trying to accomplish here? Because if it’s “take me to bed because I’ll suck you silly and I don’t care if you use a condom” then I’m sure they’ll have been successful.

Her caption here had something to do with her being drunk. All I care about is what the girl on the bottom right is doing.

Samantha: “I’m having so much fun tonight!” Guy: “Can I just take this girl home and fuck her already?”

Please insert your own comments here. All I can think is “biggest piece of shit I’ve ever seen.”

And a good night to you too Sam. Guy taking that picture must be like “drink the fuck up bitch!”

Email to me this morning: “Ok i was having a really bad week and ur site is just what i needed. i never read bulletins and just so happened to today and saw that ms pirate hooker had posted about ur site and what u had to say about her. so i thought id take a look and ended up reading ur view on pretty much everyone haha holy shit good stuff. it was nice to get a good laugh. anyways i have to at least ask if u will rate my myspace on that note. if not thats cool but check it out and tell me what u think lol www.myspace.com/shanel51186

And how did I know this email came from a pornstar? Presleymaddox@gmail.com . I happened to respond to her email with, “I gotta think about it, what’ll you do for me in return?” Well, I’ll be honest with you all, she has said she’d give me a blowjob. I’m taking you up on that Presley. She’s unfortunately leaving porn. However, without further adieu, I present Presley “Sperm Cocktail, normal looking but does dirty things” Maddox.

P.S. - She is a perfect example of how just any girl on the street who is slightly better than average, is put in slutty gear, loads of makeup and in a room with 6 penises, can really wet my whistle and make my slinger want to sling. Presley, you are 100% fuckable.

Now, this is one of your classic douchebag pictures right? Well, yes, of course it is. But do you know who the chick to the right is? Yeah, that’s Eva Angelina. If you don’t know who she is then you simply don’t jerk off…..at all. By the way, if you guys want to see Presley perform this will keep you busy for a while.

I hope you guys know why I put this picture up. One reason. She DOESN’T look that good there. She looks like your normal, typical party girl who gets drunk on the beach and you have really awkward sex with. The one where you tell your buddies the next day just so you could say you had a story to tell. Now only if you knew she was like THIS…..

You see, then you’d REALLY have a story.

You see how I did that? We went from Jersey Trash to…..”man what I’d do to her” in about 5 seconds. Presley you owe me at least an opportunity for a facial. I’d take a reverse cowgirl anal though. Thanks darlin.

Presley’s undies and sox. Priceless. I had to thumbnail this so you could see the whole thing otherwise Presley is split in half. And whoever that is to the left, I’d take a blowjob if she wanted to give me one. But only if she wanted to. Otherwise what kind of man would I be? The kind that shoves black gags in girls mouths? Well….

Presley, seriously. If you don’t fuck me after this write up I’m deleting it and I’m telling everyone what a whore you are. Damnet! Ok, I’m telling everyone your private phone number once you give it to me.

Well, her Myspace Page starts off like this: “I am a model. I don’t know what else to say. I just got out of a bad relationship and i am looking for friends, not lovers. I like sex & whipped cream. Look me up on myyearbook.com… Wellllll hit me up sometime if you wanna talk.. aim- uburstmybubble36 I am looking for a master or Daddy. I want to be looked after & punished. No freaks, jerks, creeps, or mean people. I am looking for something online. I WILL NOT MEET YOU! Just to be clear. Email me & i will consider you.” Needless to say I tried to instant message her. An even bigger surprise was that I didn’t get a response when my initial message read “would you be interested in appearing in the film Baker’s Dozen 13?” In any case, I don’t know what to make of her. I just don’t buy into anything except her oversized teets.

I think her face is the only negative about her, but she’s still cute enough to be one of those tan girls on a beach in the summer. You know the kind that you realize how amazing their body is and you have absolutely no qualms about trying to hit it because you haven’t come close to vagina for 8 weeks. But her? I don’t think she’d be that easy to get, unless you had whipped cream and a chain. Yep, she’s definitely telling the truth.

I’ve never complained about big T’s before and I doubt I’ll use this post to start.

I’m trying really hard to say something cool here. “Cheese!”

Man it’d be nice if my face were buried in that right now. That’s a very summery pic right there. All tan colors, wicker chair. Damn she’s got some guns on her.

I know there’s the classic underboob pictures. Are these considered underbutt pictures? Whatever they are, they are nice. Always reminds me of a waitress at a classic drive in restaurant. I’d love to put her on some skates and deliver me some vagina cakes.

Yup, and I love you too sweetheart.