She looks like a cross between Jenna Haze and Jillian Barberie. That’s one hell of a mutt. Here’s how she describes herself in her Myspace Profile. “My name is Heidi Cortez and here I am. I live in Hollywood and Reno…2 very awesome places. I live by the saying… “If you want something done right, you’d better do it yourself.” Cause, let’s be honest…no one can do it better. I own the coolest tanning salon ever, CABANA TANS in Reno, NV. I model and started off as a model. I use to host “Tissue Time with Heidi Cortez” on Howard Stern’s Howard 100 on Sirius Radio. But now I work for and on Sunet Tan on the E! Channel. I’m also the author of “Heidi’s Bedtime Stories” that of course you can pick up at any bookstore( wink wink). I also love doing prank phone calls(what can i say? Its a sick talent i have…ha!). I’m truly a blessed person. I’m not anything like people might expect me to be. I’m not stuck up. I’m funny and down to earth and I’m still stoked that I can flip a switch and lights come on. The way to my heart is through COMEDY! There’s nothing I love more than stand-up or just silly f’ing people(take me to a comedy show, and you’ve gotten attention). ”

Well, now I know what I have to do: become a stand up comedian. As a matter of fact those who know me are aware that I did spend a brief stint as a stand up boy. It was fun as hell. Looks like Heidi has me regretting quitting a business that requires years and years of working for nothing and waiting for a break only to find yourself spewing out potential stand up material in a blog that objectifies women and self loathes. Whatever. I can make her laugh and that’s all that really counts.

So classy with those long legs and hint of underwear showing. Has anyone seen her show? Is she famous? Eh, all I know that is that she is a Myspace friend of our two day ago post Sux gal. I can’t believe I’ve gone this far without mentioning her tits. I’m sure Howard Stern made more than his fair share of comments when she was on his show.

I will say this. She does NOT look like the 25 years old she claims to be. I guess I’ll have to see her on television. I’d rather just see her on Cinemax at 2am playing some kind of health club owner. Eh, fuck that. She can just play a tanning salon owner. Wait…right. Whatever man. Sex, ok? Sex.

Normally I don’t show closeups but come on. COME ON! What a nice way to start my 2008.

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