Am I on Earth? Am I seriously on this planet? Where in the fuck do these girls come from? I mean who the hell is Becki Haines? According to her Myspace Profile, she’s a free spirit and from the looks of it, this girl parties, has fun, looks amazing for a living, and poses with giant bottles of Ketchup.

But why don’t we talk about what Becki does to guys like me on a personal level?  She destroys every fabric of my being. I see a girl like Becki in a bar and my night is ruined. I can’t focus, I can’t enjoy myself. My entire night is revolved at staring at Becki.

Sure, go do a Hooters shoot, a bikini contest, or dance on some pole. Just know that if my penis is so much as 16 feet from your vagina that I’m just gonna lose my junk right on the floor.

It’s just not fair that chicks like this walk around. My only solace is that the majority of hot chicks aren’t particularly bright. So Becki, if you’re intelligent, then just kill me now. Seriously, put a knife in my heart because I just can’t take it anymore.